


That Damn Ashtray

by LadyIce



Series: How to Train Your Supreme Leader [1]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Crack, F/M, Humor, ashgate 2k16, grandpa's head, please laugh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-17
Updated: 2016-04-17
Packaged: 2018-06-02 20:28:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6581023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyIce/pseuds/LadyIce
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ashgate 2k16! What exactly does Kylo Ren have in that stand he keeps his mask on? Find out what happens when Rey goes on a cleaning spree while Kylo is at work. Complete and total crack. Hope it makes you laugh.</p>
            </blockquote>





	That Damn Ashtray

Kylo Ren entered the code for his quarters into the data pad and waited for the door to hiss open. As he walked in, he noticed the distinct smell of Pomegranate Vanilla Twist, Rey’s favorite cleaning formula. It seemed she had set herself to cleaning their quarters. 

Again. 

Ever since joining him at the First Order base after leaving the Resistance, she had grown restless. She didn’t really have a role with the First Order and he wasn’t sure where to put her, as he didn’t want people to think she was only being granted a position because she was nothing but Kylo Ren’s girlfriend. On the other hand, she was certainly above an entry level Stormtrooper position. Ren and General Hux had yet to come to an agreement on what exactly should happen with her. Hux was especially difficult to deal with since the death of Snoke and his edict on his deathbed that Ren be appointed Supreme Leader.

“How was your day?” Rey said with an exaggerated sweetness as she entered the front room. “Kill anyone? Burn any villages?”

“No, I don’t kill people every day.” He didn’t feel the need to mention he did order a village burned or that he killed people yesterday. “I know you’re frustrated, but you don’t have to take it out on me. I’m doing the best I can.”

“I’m tired of being stuck in this apartment. I need something to do. Haven’t you and Hux figured something out yet?”

“Not yet,” he walked over to her and enveloped her in a hug. “We’re working on it. How was your day? I can tell you were busy.”

“The maintenance droids showed up, but I sent them away. I wiped down the walls in every room, ran the vacuum to grab any dust the environmental system didn’t catch, scrubbed down the tub and the shower in the ‘fresher,” she paused. “And, I couldn’t take it any longer.”

“What?” He looked at her quizzically.

“That, tall ashtray thing, in the back room. I dumped it out and scrubbed it down. I couldn’t take it. It was filthy. I don’t know why you let Hux smoke in here anyhow.”

Kylo’s face turned an even paler shade of white. “You did what?”

“I dumped the ashes and washed the whole thing down. I put it right back where you had it. It smells like pomegranate vanilla now.”

“No, no, you couldn’t have,” Kylo sunk to the floor on his knees.

Rey looked at Kylo like he was crazy. “What is your problem? It was just an ashtray. We’re lucky Millicent didn’t come in here and take a shit in it.”

“You don’t understand, Rey. That wasn’t an ashtray.”

“Then what was it?” she asked with an annoyed tone.

“It was...a pedestal.”

“What?” Rey said, becoming more annoyed with every word he spoke.

“It was a pedestal for a basin. Not an ashtray. Hux has never been in that room. Or his stupid cat.” Kylo really hated Millicent. She was always trying to bite him whenever he stopped by Hux’s quarters.

“Ok, so you’re telling me those weren’t ashes? And will you get up off of the floor?”

Kylo stood up and put his hands on Rey’s shoulders, “Yes, they were ashes, but not just any ashes.” Rey stared at him blankly. “Those were the ashes of my fallen enemies I’ve collected.”

She backed a few steps away from him. “Ww-what?”

“Anytime I win what I feel is a significant battle, I build a pyre and burn the bodies of my enemies. I then collect some of the ashes and add them to my now EMPTY basin with the ashes of those that have fallen before me. It’s an ancient tribal tradition I studied once. That I found interesting. And I liked. And I thought sounded...cool.” He reached under his robe and pulled out a small plastic bag, “I planned on adding these,” he shook the bag, “but I guess I’ll be using them to  _ start over _ .”

“THIS is what I left the Resistance for? You have got to be kidding me!” Rey threw down the towel she had been holding. “What in the hell is wrong with you? I need a minute. I’m going down to the cafeteria to get...something. Something that we don’t have in our own kitchen. And don’t follow me with that!” She pointed at the bag of ashes he was still holding out.

Kylo looked truly hurt by her reaction, but didn’t say anything. He watched her as she walked out of their quarters and the door hissed shut behind her. He walked back into the room where his now sparkling clean basin stood and emptied the contents of the plastic bag into it, a small puff of ash rising from the bowl. Some fell onto the chair next to the pedestal; he thought about cleaning it up, but he was still mad at Rey for throwing away his enemies. If she was that mad about a few ashes, he hated to think how she would react if she ever found grandpa’s head under their bed. He never knew she was so sensitive. At least it wouldn’t take long to refill the bowl.


End file.
